Post #4:: The Break Up, Part I

Well...this won't include any juicy details yet...I'm a little too buzzed and the wounds are still bleeding pretty bad right now. This is my emotional response...in lyrical form, thanks to The Darkness.

Holding My Own
The Darkness

Baby, everything has fallen into place
My life is so exciting now I've got my space
Like a splash of water on my face
Lately I'm doing what I can do to pleasure me
I'm finding time to focus on my fantasies
I'm satisfied in my own company

I don't need your permission
To take this matter in my own two hands

'Cos I'm holding my own
Give or take a tear or two
I'm holding my own
No matter what I put myself through

Lady, all we seem to do is talk about
We take apart and analyse our ins and outs
Honey, I would rather do without

No-one to answer to
I won't spend another lifetime begging you

'Cos I'm holding my own
Give or take a tear or two
I'm holding my own
No matter what I put myself through
I'm holding my own

There's a spring in my stride
There's a twinkle in my dying eyes

'Cos I'm holding my own
Give or take a tear or two
I'm holding my own
No matter what I put myself through

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vwn_cm3CkoQ

Post #3:: Religion, Part I...My Religious Upbringing

I will take this pain that I feel every single day over being happily brainwashed with religion like I used to be.

I was raised in a mostly Christian home. I went to a Christian school my whole life. From preschool to twelfth grade. Not because my parents thought of it on their own and thought it would be a good fit. No. It was because  my rich godparents' children all went there, and my parents wanted my brother and me to turn out just like them. There are few things in my life that I can truly justify as things that have royally fucked up my life, and being trapped in a Christian school is position numero uno.

I was raised to do what I was told. No questions. Just a simple, "Yes, sir" will do. Naturally, I was the perfect victim of religion. From the time I was four years old and really grasped who Jesus was, he scared the living daylights out of me. Either that, or I felt badly for him. It really depended on the day. I was frightened with the prospects of eternal damnation at a young age. That's what set me deep into Christian doctrine. Fear. I was convinced that everything I did...EVERYTHING needed to be for Jesus. I grew used to the fear and convinced myself that I really loved Jesus. I did everything for him. Literally. I'd so much as vacuum the house and think of ways it was glorifying Jesus. I'd do the dishes while singing worship songs. It was disgusting. But I felt compelled. I didn't want to go to hell. And all of it made me feel kind of good inside. So I kept it up...mostly because it was what I was supposed to be doing.

I never questioned Christianity until the day I decided that I needed to persuade my family to start family devotions. My dad was against this idea. "But dad, Jesus is the head of the household, and we need to honor him." I argued my point. My dad argued that he was the head of the household. Not Jesus. This upset me deeply. For days. My dad was disagreeing with Jesus. I had to make a choice. I chose Jesus. I did devotions by myself in my room for hours. Usually crying was involved, because of my dad. Because of my lack of feeling like a family. Because real families had dinner together and did devotions once a week. My family did neither.

So I clung to my religious teachings at school. During chapel every Tuesday, I was kneeling at the alter, sending my prayers fervently to God. Or Jesus. I never knew which. I decided it wasn't worth it to decide. It was all I had. I learned to serve others and disregard myself. Consequently, I never learned who I was. Because who I was didn't matter. It was how I served others and how I served God that mattered. I became the most ignorant, narrow-minded, little Christian child you'd ever meet. But I didn't know any better. I just knew what my teachers told me. I knew what the chapel speakers banged against the pulpit. That's all I knew. I only cared about getting into heaven. Living like Jesus.

Blind. Ignorant. Naive.

Post #2:: Weighty Issues, Part I

This is my first weight-centered post.

I'm feeling really good today...maybe it's the 3 cups of coffee I drank, maybe I'm coming to the realization that today is my turning point. I don't know. Yesterday, I had a very down day. I felt like crap. Complacent, depressed, unhappy, etc. Today is a different story. The feel-good self-love fest started after my second cigarette and my first cup of coffee....maybe that was what I needed.

Anyhow, this morning I decided to pull out my tape measure to record all my measurements. Good news! Since December 29th, I've lost .5 inches off my neck, 1 inch from my chest, 3 inches from my waist and 1 inch from my hips. Just when I thought I wasn't making any progress, too!

I also took some "before" pics, but since I can't find my adapter, I'll have to post them later. Today I'm sitting at 227.3 pounds. To give myself  (and you) some added perspective, I attached a picture of my heaviest point: May 2008, 250 pounds. Look at that gorgeous BBW...technology in one hand and an empty plate of food in the other. Typical. It was baklava, I think. I can't fit into those shorts or that shirt anymore. Guess I am getting somewhere :)

Post #1:: Introduction. Nice to meet you too...

Well, here I am. 20 years old. In college. Going for a degree that I am passionate about. 75 pounds overweight. In my second relationship ever. Given hell the whole journey here.

I'm 20...sounds great, right? I have enough worries and problems that I feel like I'm in my late 30s. If I'm lucky, my life might even out by then.

The college I'm attending was the last on my list of 8 much more prestigious colleges that accepted me. In a town I hate. With peers that I hate even more.

My degree is about the only thing that saves me. I have a horrible gpa due to many factors...some of which you may hear about later. I'm pursuing a bachelors degree in Materials Science and Engineering. I want to work toward a PhD in Biomedical Nanotechnology someday. "Someday" feels like it will never happen, thanks to several things that I like to call "Rosie-issues". I could write a book on Rosie-issues. Maybe someday I will.

Overweight...yeah...I've come a long way, I know. My senior year of high school my doctor looked at me and told me I had to lose 100 pounds. It was bad enough that I was already depressed and headed toward the edge overlooking the deep end, but you have someone tell you that you have an entire person's worth of weight to work off and tell me you take it lightly. 25ish pounds down, gained some back, still working to get the rest off and keep it off.

Relationships...I haven't been very lucky in the past, but this time I've found someone that I can hold at arms' length, and it seems to be working out nicely so far. He makes me happy. That's all I need.

I've run into the wrong crowd recently, and I've gotten into some things that I'm not too proud of. I'm not trying to "find Jesus" or "turn my life around". I'm trying to learn to accept the things I've done and love the person I'm becoming. I'm documenting my journey, here. Digital support, I suppose. Maybe someday I'll share what I write. Maybe not. For now, I just need to write it down. I don't think my friends could handle hearing some of the things I'll be writing about just yet. (To my friends and family that see this, consider that your warning.)

My goal on here is update at least once a week...how my classes are going, where my research is at, how my workouts are progressing, dieting info, etc. So...here we go. I want to see something drastically different by May. Hopefully that's what you'll see too.